I Hate Myself And Want To Die

I hate this post and hate myself for making it. It is basically the largest act of cowardice on my part that I can muster. I want to vent, and I want to say it on the internet platform, but on a stage no one watches. No one is subscribed to this blog (I have several), so in theory no one will find except by accident. And that is the fucked up thing, the is the single most passive aggressive call for help for no real emergency in the world.

I have been really sick for two years now. My depression and anxiety is the worst it has been since I was initially diagnosed with severe mental illness in 1997. I have this daily routine where from about 1 pm to 4 pm I just focus on not killing myself. I don't know what is special about the afternoon, but apparently it spikes my anxiety and makes my self esteem cave in.

Yeah, so I have also been sick for two years now. I have an incurable immune disorder that, if left untreated, would shut my kidneys down (if I didn't die from a pulmonary embolism first). The fucked up immune system creates antibodies that hurts my kidneys and makes my blood insanely prone to clotting. In fact, I have a huge blood clot behind my right knee that maybe will finally dissolve in a few decades and the doctors insist there is no sort of surgery they can do to treat that clot. So, I have major circulatory issues in my lower right leg, including deep vein thrombosis (which can be very painful).

Ha, and pain. Fucking pain. I have several pain issues stemming from this illness in a variety of ways. The worst pain comes from the deconditioned/semi-atrophied lumbar area muscles that I have been in physical therapy for on and off for this entire two years. It leaves me weak, useless, and in pain like a pathetic helpless baby.

Another great sidecar that comes from pain is my dependence on prescription pain relievers. I don't like crush them/snort them/or other methods used to get "high" on them, but I have been opioid tolerant for almost a year straight now. It is terrifying. I used to get high, and I kicked drugs once and now here I am dependent on them just to make it to the afternoon so I can cry and try not give in to the urge to kill myself.

I have been fighting with social security for about 18 months for trying to get on disability. It has been excruciating, probing, and a frustrating process. I am waiting right now for a written ruling for the initial appeal trial I had recently. Gee, nothing like a person with a fucked up social anxiety disorder trying to give testimony without spazzing the fuck out. I almost don't want to get the letter, for the past year and a half every letter I have got from Social Security has basically said, "Go fuck yourself, you fat loser.".

The urge to go seek illegal drugs has been slowly rising in me for the past few months. Hell, part of me wishes I would somehow come across some heroin, fatally overdose on it, and die having one last little happy dream.

For mercy's sake, if someone happens to stumble upon this, please click on and pretend you never saw it. I am too chickenshit to actually do any considerable harm to myself or others. Please don't try to reach out to me, please just forget this is even fucking here or that I even fucking exist. For all intents and purposes, I actually don't exist. I haven't existed since I was hospitalized in late August of 2011.

KSK Least Bowl Ballott 2012

Results to be announced at half time of the Pro Bowl!

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NFL on Fox Sent Me A Patriot Cleatus

Short version: I started following everyones favourite football robot, "Cleatus", on Twitter a few weeks ago. He is kinda funny in a kitschy sort of way. One day he tweeted a contest where if you retweeted him, you were entered for a contest to win a Cleatus Hero Figure. I retweeted just for fun, but I actually won!

Qaplah! Well, today the UPS guy shows up with a package, and lo and behold, I had received my Cleatus figure, but not as I expected! I had received the grittiest Patriot robot ever, "GREATUS".

It is simply amazing. If you read the back of the box, it details how Greatus epitomizes all of the core qualities that a True Greatriot represents: High motor, "tough as nails", scrappy, and most of all, GRITTY.

Movie Review - The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

(I swear on Durin's Beard, this pic is the extent of my backlash and spite.)

What I intend to do is give a relatively spoiler free review of the first Hobbit movie. I am going to try to point out various elaborations without "spoiling" anything, but I would warn people now that it is possible I could inadvertently reveal something YOU consider a spoiler. If that is the case, I apologize. That being said, after the review there are just a couple of things I want to spoil, so stop reading after the warning!

Those of you that are familiar with Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" movies will be comforted to see some similar cinematic effects almost right away to settle the viewer snugly back into Middle Earth. The "present" time takes place about 60 years prior to the LOTR trilogy, and Middle Earth is a calmer and cheerier place. There is little burden on the land from Mordor, and the Dwarves and Elves can afford to be snippy towards each other as they see fit, being both races proud and stubborn.

Surprise number one! Before Bilbo inadvertently hosts a large meal for 13 Dwarves and a Wizard, we are treated to an exciting history of Dwarvenkind in Erebor, and the evil of Smaug that befalls them. The Dwarves of Erebor are taken from the height of their prosperity and planted firmly low on the "food chain" of Middle Earth's free peoples.

Cue the actual beginning of "The Hobbit" now! I give credit to Martin Freeman for nailing all the "kindly, yet highly flustered" our poor Bilbo expresses by the sudden appearance of Dwarves demanding food and emptying his larder. His quaint politeness stands in an almost comedic contrast to the gruff, road-worn Dwarves making the early sequences very light-hearted and amusing.

For the viewers familiar with the book and associated material, Jackson delivers on many of the key visualizations and interactions that make the story complete. Even though there are tweaks here and there, only the most staunch and unmoving lore purist would even notice, let alone care. Poor old hapless Bilbo even forgets his handkerchief, which is unceremoniously remedied by Bofur.

One amazing aspect of the movie was the groundwork they lay for revelations concerning the "Necromancer" that is only hinted at briefly in the book. As a movie viewer, you are treated to some "behind the scenes" looks at events that will become very important in the later movies. However, because the implications are not clear for many viewers, these scenes can seem a little confusing and conflated.

By the end of the movie, the most important goal is accomplished: the upright, well-to-do, and stuffy Mr. Baggins sees fit to break free of societal norm and go on an adventure that is quite different than having afternoon tea with Old Gaffer Gamgee. There is magic, swords, legends, and dragons! Is there much more one can truly ask of a true fantasy movie?

My score is an "A-", it is a wonderful movie filled with all the Middle Earth beauty anyone could ask for, but it is not without blemish. Still, only the most cynical would let these few blemishes ruin what can be a very fun time with a Middle Earth movie that is more light-hearted than its very successful preceding trilogy.

*****

CAUTION! SPOILERS BELOW!!! STOP READING NOW!!!

*****

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*****

YOU WERE WARNED!

*****

Spoilers! The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good

-We finally get a few glimpses of the tremendously darty and secretive Dwarf Women! Guess what? NO BEARDS! That Aragorn is such a joker!

-Azog may lead the Orcs at the Battle of Five Armies? It's looking like it!

-The White Council is shown voicing their concerns about the Necromancer, The Witch King, and Dol Guldur. 

-Radaghast the Brown makes an appearance!

The Bad

-Radaghast the Brown makes an appearance! No, your friendly writer has not lost his senses. Many will dislike the depiction of Radaghast. Even though it is cool they included him, he is a screwy character whose interpretation is very contrived. I personally found him fun, just because Radaghast was never known as the best Wizard of all and he has not the standard to live up to like Gandalf may. However, even my fellow movie-goers found him somewhat distasteful.

The Ugly

-My biggest beef with this movie is that they allow some very modern collocations of linguistics and contemporary sense of humour leak into the movie. (Particularly with the Great Goblin of Goblin Town.) About the only way it could have been worse would be having Jar Jar Binks with dreds and gang colours saying stuff like, "Thassa waz meesa saying!" or, "Aws hell nos!". I deeply resented that sort of etymology being used in the movie.

Li'l Beef Moe's New Room

The results are in, and Li'l Beef Moe is ready to get his blunt on and go Beast Mode on Half Ounces AND hos!!!

Thanks to everyone that participated.

Poll - Beef Moe's New Room

Qaplah, yintaghs! The Mighty Feklahr is coming in at warp speed with a HOT new poll for the interwebs! The situation is simple, "Little Beef Moe" from Pet Society has a new room and is making an EXCLUSIVE offer to decorate his new room by letting YOU, the internet, decide. Look through the options, and choose your favourite.

What should the theme be for Beef Moe's new room?
	"Welcome to the Jungle"
	"Legalize It"
	"Space Oddity"
	"Grillz"
	"Like a Surgeon"
pollcode.com free polls

The selection will be made on or around December 1st, 2012 with the highest vote gainer being the "theme" for the room. Will YOUR favourite win? THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT, WEAKLING! VOTE NOW!!!

Collectibles Fun - Grune the Detroyer

As of this writing, I had found a Grune the Detroyer (a moderately obscure villain from the Thundercats cartoon, but one *I* think is really cool) action figure at an antique mall for $6. For a collector nerd like me, I was in full blown "Yippee!"

Grune was in pretty rough shape, though. A lot of the paint had worn off and he was sort of grungy/cruddy in some places. This led to my decision to clean him up, touch up his paint, and even add some artistic interpretation of my own. I will give just a brief rundown of the changes and updates I made for anyone that might be interested, but I sort of hope the picture speaks for itself.

• Filled in the blank spots of his silver armour on front and back.
• Filled in the blanks spots of his black gloves and shoulder gear.
• Freshened up the red on his leg plates.
• Freshened up black and silver on boots.
• I updated his helm with some silver on the studded areas.
• I sort of blanked/whited out his eyes for a sort of ethereal appearance.
• I frosted and variates streaks in his hair to give the appearance of age.

Finally, I offer a brief yet tremendously lulzy clip of Grune from the old Thundercats cartoon. I apologize, but the user that uploaded the clip disabled embedding, though. (???)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMD8Es8Cv0s&t=23s